I have clinical depression. You know? The kind of depression that follows you your entire life and you can’t seem to shake it off. Sure, you can find ways to cope but it’s always there… lingering and waiting to reveal itself when you are vulnerable.
It sucks. I am sad almost all the time. My only relief is when I stop feeling all together. My life becomes a movie that I am watching but have no real interest in. I hate seeing everyone else smile or laugh. It’s like I am drowning and everyone else around me is breathing. Taunting me. Making me feel worse about an already crappy situation.
People never seem to help the situation.
“You need to make an effort to be happy.”
“Enough of the pity party.”
“You are being selfish.”
“Get over yourself.”
“Am I not enough to make you happy?”
“I know exactly what you are going through.”
STOP! IT DOESN’T HELP ANYONE WITH THIS MENTAL DISORDER!
To a person with this mental disorder there is no way out. They feel hopeless and lost. As if no matter what they do they will never be the person that once resided within themselves. All we need from people is to know you are there. That you are patient and that you are not going anywhere. We don’t need you to talk. We just need to know that you will be there on the other side of recovery. That you will stay through the breakdowns. Sometimes we need reassurance. We need you to send that text message and send us that invite. Even if we don’t respond it means a lot. It’s often the only thing that keeps us going.
Tasks that were once pleasurable and simple are now next to impossible. Whats the point of anything? Whats the point in working, eating, bathing…. breathing? Whats the point of any of it? I do it for the sake of others. It’s hard and often times people overlook just how difficult it is for you to keep going. To fake that smile. To fake that laugh.
Depression is killing me. Maybe not physically but I can feel my spirit dying. I can feel ME dying. Every morning I lose myself a little more. I am afraid I will wake up, look in the mirror, and literally see a corpse. Maybe my outside would finally match my inside.