Depression is killing me.

I have clinical depression. You know? The kind of depression that follows you your entire life and you can’t seem to shake it off. Sure, you can find ways to cope but it’s always there… lingering and waiting to reveal itself when you are vulnerable.

It sucks. I am sad almost all the time. My only relief is when I stop feeling all together. My life becomes a movie that I am watching but have no real interest in. I hate seeing everyone else smile or laugh. It’s like I am drowning and everyone else around me is breathing. Taunting me. Making me feel worse about an already crappy situation.

People never seem to help the situation.

“You need to make an effort to be happy.”

“Enough of the pity party.”

“You are being selfish.”

“Get over yourself.”

“Am I not enough to make you happy?”

“I know exactly what you are going through.”

STOP! IT DOESN’T HELP ANYONE WITH THIS MENTAL DISORDER!

To a person with this mental disorder there is no way out. They feel hopeless and lost. As if no matter what they do they will never be the person that once resided within themselves. All we need from people is to know you are there. That you are patient and that you are not going anywhere. We don’t need you to talk. We just need to know that you will be there on the other side of recovery. That you will stay through the breakdowns. Sometimes we need reassurance. We need you to send that text message and send us that invite. Even if we don’t respond it means a lot. It’s often the only thing that keeps us going.

Tasks that were once pleasurable and simple are now next to impossible. Whats the point of anything? Whats the point in working, eating, bathing…. breathing? Whats the point of any of it? I do it for the sake of others. It’s hard and often times people overlook just how difficult it is for you to keep going. To fake that smile. To fake that laugh.

Depression is killing me. Maybe not physically but I can feel my spirit dying. I can feel ME dying. Every morning I lose myself a little more. I am afraid I will wake up, look in the mirror, and literally see a corpse. Maybe my outside would finally match my inside.

Misconceptions of asexuality.

I am an asexual. No, that does not mean that I can change my biological sex to reproduce.

I simply do not experience sexual attraction or have a sexual orientation. One percent of the population is asexual and unfortunately there is very little research done about it. Many people don’t even believe it exists, but to those who experience it, it is very real, and there are several misconceptions about those who identify themselves as asexual.

1. Is it a religious thing?

No, being asexual is not a choice due to religion, in fact, it’s not a choice at all. Celibacy and asexuality are two completely different things. I don’t have sex because I have no desire to do so. Celibates have to restrain themselves from having sex.

2. Asexuals are just nerds who don’t have the confidence to find a significant other.

Have you seen some of the covers of comic books? Trust me, nerds are not asexual. Besides, being a nerd wouldn’t stop them from having a sexual attraction towards another person. This statement just doesn’t make any sense!

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Sheldon Cooper = asexual

3. So you don’t masturbate at all?

This is different for every asexual. Some don’t feel the need to masturbate and others do masturbate. Masturbation has nothing to do with sexual orientation.  There are several reasons an asexual person would masturbate. Mainly for same reasons everyone else does. Some asexuals masturbate and like it. We are still physically the same as a sexual person. We still have a libido and we can still achieve orgasm. We just have no interest in doing it with other people.

4. How do you know you don’t like it if you never tried it?

Do you have to have gay sex to know you aren’t gay? The same thing applies to asexuals. I don’t feel attracted to men, women, or ect. It’s really that simple.

5. Asexual people can’t feel love.

Sex doesn’t equal love. I love several men and woman that I would walk to end of the earth for. I just don’t want to have sex with them. That doesn’t mean I don’t love them just the same.

6.Asexual people don’t have sex.

Some do and some don’t. We have the ability to have sex. We just lack the desire to. Our equipment is still there are and in working order, it’s just we don’t have the desire to use it.

7. Asexual people are attracted to animals and small children.

-_- Okay, I am not even going to give this one an answer… all I have to say is BULLSHIT!

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8. Its evolutions way to keep the population under control.

This isn’t how evolution works. I have a healthy diet, a nice home, and a stable job. Why would evolution want me to stop reproducing if I am healthy enough to do so? I don’t experience competition for food, water, shelter, or space. Why would my body deny me sexual attraction if I am stable enough to have a healthy child?

9. So you don’t want a boyfriend then, right?

Asexual people can still have relationships. We can still feel affection towards other people. I am a romantic asexual, which means I still enjoy cuddling, holding hands and kissing. I am uncomfortable with the idea of crossing that border of intimacy, but I am confident that I would participate for the right person.

10. Asexual people are ugly.

Um, thank you? Physical appearance and sexual orientation have nothing to do with each other. If you have nothing nice to say you can go lie down or make me a sandwich. No, really. I’m hungry, can someone make me a sandwich? Or cake, cake sounds good too….

The pressure to be beautiful

Lets face it. In today’s society being beautiful is a very important thing. It’s so important that people will go to extreme lengths to achieve it. This unfortunately has led to a generation of anorexic’s, bulimic’s, and cosmetic surgery addict’s.
Why is it so important for women to be a size zero? Why has the ideal womans body changed from this….
 

Marilyn Monroe

To this in such a short amount of time.
It seems as if women’s body’s are changing just as quick as the clothes they wear on their backs. Curvy women used to be in but were soon replaced with underweight and malnourished bodies. Why you may ask? In our society women are getting fatter and fatter. It’s an undeniable fact. The media want us to look at skinnier women because they are becoming scarce. In the ads the skinny models are always seen as happy, popular, and wealthy. When the models in advertisements try to sell products people will be more willing to buy them in hopes for the perfection the model has obtained.
 
Advertisements with “perfect” women are found everywhere. Men and women are force-fed the idea that only a certain type of kind of beauty is acceptable in today’s society. Women struggle trying to grasp the kind of perfection they see on advertisements. This can lead to a vicious cycle, a cycle I unfortunately found myself in.

 

Perfection is a hard thing to obtain, so hard it’s impossible. I keep wondering to myself why I keep putting myself in this position. I have struggled with my eating habits for a while now. I starve myself for a couple of days and then I binge myself sick, just so the cycle can start all over again.  It started off as a simple diet but I was soon trapped in my own secret obsession.

How you chose to live your life is your choice. You can pick the road I went down- a road of disappointment and restriction- or you can live a healthy lifestyle. 

Please remember that if you are healthy you are beautiful, you are  the way you are  supposed to be, not the way others want  you to be.

 

Titanic 3D

On December 19th, 1997 the Titanic hit the big screen. This film was a huge hit and accumulated a grand total of $1,843,201,268 worldwide, making it the highest grossing film in history. The Titanic is set in 1912 when a young women from first class, Rose(Kate Winslet), and a young man from steerage, Jack(Leonardio Dicaprio), both board the luxury steamer the Titanic. I won’t get into details about the plot because I can pretty much guarantee you have seen the film. If you havent you either live under a rock, or you have something against classic love stories.

I am a huge fan of the Titanic, ask anyone if you don’t believe me. I own the collectors edition of the film, I watch the movie at least once a month, I can point out every mistake made in the background, I can recite all the words, I own an actual piece of Titanic coal, and my cell phone ringtone is the movie’s theme “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion. I have been in love with this film ever since I went to my first Titanic museum when I was 13 years old. You can only imagine how excited I was when I found out the Titanic is being released in theaters in 3D, that’s right, 3D.

April 6th, 2012 is going to be the best day of my life. I don’t care how pathetic that sounds. Not only is it the rerelease date of the Titanic but it’s also 6 days before the 100th anniversary of the Titanic sinking. The director of this great film, James Cameron, is probably only releasing the 3D version in theaters for the money but I don’t care. I was to young to experience this cinematic experience on the big screen the first time so I am happy I will have the opportunity now.

Anyways, I am going to stop rambling now and you can watch the new movie trailer below!

Living with an A.D.D mind.

I want you to imagine a radio that is stuck between stations, or a foggy window. Both are functional but they don’t work the way they should. The radio is hard to hear. All you hear is a lot of noise that just meshes together. You tend to ignore the noise because you can not understand what is going on. The window may block the cold chill and keep the insects outside of your house but it is still hard to see what is going on outside. You try to look out the window to see things more clearly but you can’t. This is what it is like in the mind of someone with Attention Deficit Disorder.

Attention Deficit Disorder. I hate being told I have a disorder, its makes it sound like such a negative thing. I wont lie. A.D.D can cause a lot of trouble.

Conversations are impossible. I can’t follow them all the way through. One minute you are talking to me about the weather. I stare into space for 15 seconds and the next thing I know you are talking about what you ate for dinner the previous night. I feel as if I am missing out on my own life. Parts of my life are non-existent because I am too busy daydreaming in my own little world.

 I stink at remembering names, dates, and appointments. I can’t tell you how many times I have messed up people’s names. Calling people by “Hey, You” and “Excuse me, Miss” seems to be much easier.

Losing important items is another one of my many flaws. Pencils, pens, money, gift cards, and homework papers are just a few. I don’t know why I struggle with keeping track of my stuff. Part of it is from not paying attention to where I set my stuff down. I just walk in the house, throw my crap where ever there is an open spot, and move on. My dad recommends that I carry a notebook around with me so I can write down things I don’t want to forget. What does he expect me to do when I lose the notebook?

One of the biggest things I lose is time. I have a distorted sense of it. I come home, walk the dog, watch tv, and eat dinner. The next thing I know it’s 11 at night and I haven’t started my essay yet! I am great at procrastinating. I hyper focus on what I shouldn’t be doing so I lose track of time.

Sometimes I think they should call A.D.D. Attention Surplus Disorder. Something people need to understand is that I am capable of paying attention to whats going on, it’s just not what I should be paying attention to. When you are talking to me, the fly in the corner is more interesting. When I have to watch some informative video in class, the song stuck in my head is more fun to listen to. It’s not intentional, it’s really not. It’s almost as if my brain is on autopilot. One minute I am reading my book, and the next thing I know I am listening to the faucet dripping in the other room.It can take me up to 2-3 pages to realize I am not paying attention to what I am reading. Unfortunately, this means that I have to reread what I missed. Homework can take forever to finish.

I multitask with everything I do. I lose interest with the first task I have to complete so I move on. Working on 3-4 homework papers at the same time tends to be easier for me. It’s not something that can be explained but I have to do it that way. It’s like my mind has a hard time paying attention to one thing. I am easily distracted. My mind bounces between multiple things making it hard to keep track of what I am doing.

I am the most impulsive person you will ever meet. I tend to say things before I think them all the way through. People often find what I say funny, but I fear that one of these days I am going to say something I shouldn’t. Food is another one of my impulses. If there is food sitting up front of me it will be eaten. I can feel completely full but I still want to eat it. Its amazing I am not overweight.

I am a really fast thinker. You probably wouldn’t be able to tell by looking at me but I am. My mind bounces all over the place in short amounts of time. One minute I will be thinking about the sky, then the ocean, then the fish, then the dresser in my room that needs to be repainted and so on. This does come in handy at times though. I am great at finding topics to talk about.

I am terrible at listening to instuctions. Something so simple for some people can be turned into a very difficult task for me. Grabbing a cup from the kitchen cupboard can easily be turned into a 10 minute thing for me.

I have selective hearing. If you address me before you talk to me I can hear you fine. Otherwise, all I hear is this.

I only just touched the struggles with A.D.D. Having this disorder can be frustrating not only for other people but myself as well. Having A.D.D doesn’t make someone retarded or dumb. A lot of people I know with A.D.D are very creative and unique individuals. Having this disorder is not something to be ashamed of and it has some very positive aspects to it as well.